I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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