theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
