I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
