Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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