So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
