I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
