Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
