The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
