You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
