Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
