i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
