I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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