if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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