hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize