you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
