Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
