i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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