Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
