Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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