you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
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That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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