party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
