My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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