In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
