I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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