I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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