I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
