He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We need to get me chipped asap
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
