i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Houston, we have a blender
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
