Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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