I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
