Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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