I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He? As in you personified your dick?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
