The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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