he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
