I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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