Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
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