What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She bit a glass in half.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
