I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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