hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
