i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
