Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
