Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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