I skipped work to stalk him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
