'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
