Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
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Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
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Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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