Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize