note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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