they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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