My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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