just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
