My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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