I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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