How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
