I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down