Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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