Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
